Mahou Shoujo Omake Magica
by jcarreau
Summary: These are a collection of shorts, poems, and other writings based off of PMMM. Not related to my other Madoka fanfic project. Some of these are silly, and some of them are serious.
1. Sayaka Miki Facts

[First Author's Note: Hello. It's me, Jonathan Carreau, formerly known as xm0123. Much like with Touhou Omake, I have also concocted Madoka Omake. This series, however, is not related to Oh No, Not Madoka!, so you don't need to read that to get these omake. (Even though Oh No, Not Madoka! has its own omake. Confused?)

This will be a series of shorts, poems, or just . . . things pertaining to the Puella Magi franchise. Unlike with the omake in Oh No, Not Madoka!, though, these will not always be silly in nature. Some of them will be quite serious.

Oh yeah, and also, don't read this if you haven't seen the anime yet. TURN BACK NOW IF YOU CARE ABOUT THAT SORT OF THING! Also note that I have knowledge of Puella Magi Oriko Magica, and Puella Magi Kazumi Magica, but I don't like Kazumi, so don't expect any references to that. But for my first act, let's do something silly . . . ]

Omake #1: Sayaka Miki Facts.

-Sayaka Miki's weapon of choice is swords. This isn't because she likes swords; in truth, she _sucks_ with them. The only reason she even uses swords is because using anything else would make her battles boringly easy.

-Sayaka Miki can run a mile under four minutes, land a quintuple somersault from only twenty feet in the air, kick Son Goku so hard that he cries like a baby, and survive an atomic explosion, and that's be_fore_ she taps into her soul gem.

-When a girl gets laid with sixty guys in one day, she calls it an exhausting, yet unforgettable experience. When Sayaka Miki gets laid with sixty guys in one day, she calls it a "Slow Tuesday."

-Kenshiro's Hokuto Shinken techniques not only failed to kill Sayaka Miki, the shock of her surviving said techniques caused his own head to explode, for he didn't even realize that by attempting to kill Sayaka Miki, he was already dead.

-It took Homura Akemi twelve episodes to defeat Walpurgis Night. It would have taken Sayaka Miki twelve . . . _nanoseconds._

[Second Author's Note: That's right; I have invoked the spirit of . . .

**A-CHUCK-A-NORIIIIIIIIS!**

Only instead I referred to my favorite canon character from Puella Magi. No, not just my favorite character; Sayaka is my favorite _thing_ in all of Puella Magi, no question about it. And this won't be the first time you'll see me gushing about her. However, I already have two other omake bits ready. For my second act, click the next chapter button.]


	2. Mami's New Contract

Omake #2: Mami's new contract.

One day in Mami's pimped out apartment, a creature that looked more in-place in a Pokemon game appeared. Mami looked in amazement, "Kyubey?"

The creature said telepathically, "No. I am his cousin Maikolbey. I have determined that you have great potential, Mami Tomoe."

"How so?"

He explained, "I can get you to star in a huge blockbuster movie. You'll be promised one point one billion yen after the shoot, you will become a media darling, and those who don't hate the feature will revere you as a goddess."

Mami looked unsure, "You're offering me a movie spot? But I don't know the first thing about acting!"

The Kyubey look-a-like continued, "Acting talent is not a prerequisite for this role. All that I require for you to do is read off the cue cards, wear clothes tailor-made to showcase your body, and strike centerfold-esque poses whenever I need you to."

Mami asked, "But . . . why me?"

He answered, "Because you have long blonde hair and a nice rack. Also, I need a Token Exotic Asian Woman for this new feature, and you fit the bill like a glove."

Mami smirked, "Well, the money sounds nice. I could retire early with that much, but is there anything else I should know?"

The creature said, "Unlike Kyubey, I do not make assumptions about potential clients, so allow me to ask if you have what it takes. Question one, do you not mind perpetuating negative stereotypes of gender and ethnicity?"

"Uh,"

"Question two, can you withstand the criticisms of professional critics and high-minded movie watchers?"

"Eh,"

"Question three, are you willing to shed twenty-five pounds, er, I forgot, I'm in Asia right now. Are you willing to shed eleven kilograms before we start shooting?"

Mami said, "But . . . I would be skin-and-bones if I did that."

"Question four, will you promise not to compare me to a brutal dictator?"

Mami said, "Yeah, that shouldn't be a problem, however, this is still a lot for me to think about."

Five Minutes Later.

Mami declared, "I have made up my mind! Please let me-"

A pink thing knocked off the head of the creature. In the distance, Madoka could be seen in her magical girl costume, kneeling and firing her magical bow. Mami looked in shock, "Madoka-chan?"

Madoka put away her bow, approached Mami, and hugged her. She was in tears, "You can't do it, Mami-san! I've seen a reality where you accepted his offer! They, (sniff), they made you wear gobs of makeup, and they put bronzer all over your complexion, and (hic), you always had to display a 'sexy' pout in all of your scenes instead of your usual sweet smile, and (hic) your cheeks were more hollow and your ribs were starting to show, and your performance was such a disgrace, and, (sharp inhale) everyone either said horrible thing about you, or saw you only as a sex object!" She stepped back, holding Mami's hands, "Please, I beg of you, stay as you are! Stay as the beautiful, wholesome, and confident senpai that you are!"

Suddenly, another creature appeared, "You mustn't waste your magic like that. I can't die so easily. No matter how much you may complain about my storytelling, I can assure you that crafting action scenes on the technical level that I'm known for is no small feat. There will always be a place in the entertainment world for entities like me."

"He's right." Mami declared, "There is a place for beings like him in our society. However, since, like I said, I'm not aspiring to be an actress, I don't think I should accept your generous offer. Also . . ." she looked uncomfortable, "I don't wanna have to lose that much weight. That's bad for me, and I can never abandon my carb-heavy diet."

"Yaaaay!~" Madoka cheered.

"Very well." The entity said, "However, if you change your mind anytime before we start principle photography, my line is open. Farewell." And he disappeared.

[Author's Note: I had to watch part of Pearl Harbor back in high school. I've been mad at Maikolbey ever since, though for the record, he's still better than Uwe Boll. Although I haven't found Hollywood's concept of a sexy woman to be sexy for _years_.

I got one more omake for my initial posting. You know what to do.]


	3. Goodnight Sweet Angel, a sonnet

Omake #3: Goodnight Sweet Angel, a sonnet. Rhyme scheme is a-b-a-b, c-d-c-d, e-f-e-f, g-g. All lines contain ten spoken syllables. I did not follow the "soft/hard" rule, for I never take notice of that in speech and writing.

Like a storybook hero, there you stood  
>As a champion for the downtrodden.<br>Always believing in the greater good,  
>No matter how badly you were beaten.<p>

We clashed over what we thought was ideal  
>You for righteousness, I for selfishness,<br>Yet you resisted like reinforced steel  
>Even in spite of the coming darkness.<p>

Carrying sin made you lumber about,  
>For you hoped to save others in their place.<br>In your moment of weakness, you lashed out,  
>Taking with you your heartache and your grace.<p>

So rest peacefully, my beacon of light  
>In this world of wrong you sought to make right.<p>

[Author's note: I wasn't kidding when I said Sayaka was my favorite thing about Madoka. Did you know this is the first poem I ever wrote out of leisure? The last time I wrote a poem was for an assignment back in my senior year of high school . . . _seven years ago._ My poem sucked, and I _hated_ writing it. But the path to earning an Associate's Degree in English did require me to study poetry, and I'm glad, because now I've discovered how powerful poems can be.

And yes, this is an imitation of the sonnets Shakespeare wrote. Oh, and in case you couldn't tell, the speaker is Kyoko.

I have another omake in the works, but it'll take time to finish. For now, you could always read Oh No, Not Madoka! Or, whatever of that I've published while you're waiting.

Or you could check out my profile for other cool stuff. It's your choice.]


	4. Homura Needs a Break

Omake #4: Homura needs a break.

Homura Akemi sprang up in her hospital bed. How many times had she done this? Five? Ten? Five-hundred times? She had lost track. One thing was certain, _I need a break_.

Homura got out of the bed. She was in a hospital gown, but not until she took her soul gem out. She transformed, then proceeded out of her room. A nurse gasped at her walking out, "A-A-Akemi-cha-"

(time stop) The world froze around Homura. She casually left the hospital, resuming time once she had gotten far away from the hospital. She needed a break so badly; no transfer papers, no hiding her nature from people since they'll just forget when she starts over, no even trying to protect the one she loves, since so long as she didn't die, she could try again as many times as she liked.

It had been a long time since Homura experienced the simple joys of life. Her first stop: the hot springs. Using money she 'procured' on the way, Homura reserved a hotspring for herself, and only herself. She let the heat of the water soothe her body in a way she had never been soothed before. When she was finished with that, she decided to pig out on greasy, unhealthy foods. Hey, whatever corruption results, she could just heal away with a grief seed. She went to a restaurant that served food high in sugar, salt, carbs, and everything else she was told was bad for her. If it was so bad, then why did it feel so good eating and drinking it? Homura had not felt this euphoric for a very long time.

It was starting to get late in the evening. Homura was thinking of getting some things before returning home. She found a convenience store and got a few things (after stopping time, of course), thinks like snacks, magazines (what was it boys found so fascinating about women's bodies? She would find out), alcohol, cigarettes, and other items. When she stepped out, she took out a cigarette. Using a lighter she "obtained", she lit up and sucked in. _This is relaxing?_ Homura thought. She continued smoking when a woman stopped, "Aren't you a little young to be smoking? Are you some kind of delinquent? You're not in school."

Homura, while smoking, told the woman, "My body cannot perish by conventional means. As such, whatever dangers could arise from tobacco consumption will not affect me whatsoever."

The woman was stunned, "Oh . . . you're probably . . . nevermind. Excuse me." She walked off.

After that, Homura proceeded to her home. On the way there, a man, older than Homura, eyeballed her, "Hey good-lookin'! Ain't ya a little young to be walkin' out at night, and in high-heels?"

Homura glared at the man, "I have seen the end of the world, and the death of my closest friends time and time again; I should be allowed _some_ leeway."

The man creased his eyebrows, "The hell are ya talkin' about? Is that some roleplaying shit?"

Homura grimaced, "I'm not playing a game. Everything I say is the truth."

"Really?" The man said. He then began to approach her, "Ya know, I always liked young girls with long, luscious hair like yours, especially when they have wide, youthful faces-" (gunshot) "-OW! MY BALLS!"

A smoking 9mm was in Homura's hands, "Your move, creep."

The man, still in pain, grabbed his mobile with one hand, "I'm . . . calling . . . the cops . . . on your skinny ass . . . AGGGGH!"

Homura dramatically brushed her hair and walked home, as in the one with the pendulum coming down from the ceiling. She was bored, and couldn't fall asleep, so she manipulated time to move super fast, bringing about sunrise in a matter of minutes. "How convenient." She said aloud, "I should make use of this in the future."

It was now morning, and Homura wanted to unwind in other ways. She activated her mobile phone, put on some headphones, and listened to some public domain music online. She read the magazines she "acquired" the day before, reading about teenage girls being drama queens, current events, pictures of women's external body parts, tips on how to lose thirty kilograms in two weeks, and the biggest article of all; the split between Ashton and Demi (shocker)! It was all an enlightening read for the Puella Magi, who had been unable to focus on anything other than her ordeal for so long, when,

"You haven't been doing your duty, Homura Akemi."

Homura turned to Kyubey, the one responsible for everything. Her lips briefly twitched before she composed herself, "Please leave. I want nothing to do with you right now."

Kyubey licked itself, "I shouldn't have to remind you of what will happen if you don't acquire any grief seeds. And yes, I know your ulterior motive, and although I can't understand why you would willingly sacrifice yourself for Madoka Kaname and no one else, I can safely say that lounging here all day will accomplish nothing."

Homura told Kyubey, "Kyubey, do your people get tired?"

Kyubey flicked it ears, "Yes. We can suffer physical and mental fatigue. However, you don't appear to be suffering from either form of exhaustion, unless if your emotional burden is somehow contributing."

Homura nodded, "That's the phrase, my emotions. My feelings have weighed me down. I wish to not worry about anything aside from my survival for just one loop. You can go and do as you please, so long as you don't threaten my life."

Kyubey didn't miss a beat, "So if I contracted Madoka Kaname right this second, you would not retaliate?"

"No, for when I go back, I will undo everything." She laughed, "Wow, thinking logically instead of emotionally; have I become you?"

Kyubey responded, "If you put it like that, then I will assume you will just wither and die without putting up any sort of a fight. I will concentrate on Walpurgis Night without you then."

Homura smiled, "You better be quick. If you get Madoka to become a Puella Magi now, she just might be able to save Mami Tomoe."

Kyubey tilted its head, "What's this about saving-"

-A gun's slide was pulled back, "I said _leave_."

There was an awkward silence. Kyubey finally broke in, "So be it, Homura Akemi. I look forward to your contribution to my countering of entropy." It walked off.

Homura sighed, "I could go for a drink." She then poured herself some hard liquor she got yesterday. She drank to her heart's content. Afterward, she collapsed on her bed. She did something she hadn't done for a while, daydream.

_Madoka and Homura were in their pajamas, sitting on Homura's bed. Madoka had a hairbrush in hand, and was brushing Homura's hair. "You have really pretty hair, Homura-chan! You're lucky to have hair this thick! You take good care of it now!~"_

_All of a sudden, Homura was in her casual clothes, facing a distraught Sayaka, "I have no reason to live! Kyousuke-san was my everything!"_

_Homura firmly gripped Sayaka's shoulders, "Miki-chan, he's not the only guy in the world! You can find someone better! In fact, that Nakazawa guy looks like a nice fellow, pine after him instead!"_

_"(sniff) Okay."_

_Now the scene was Mami and Kyoko dueling each other. Homura, in Magi garb, stepped in, "Stop this fighting! Nothing can be gained from this! You are only dividing yourselves up for the predators to more easily hunt you!"_

_Kyoko looked at Homura, "Huh? Who the hell are you? And what are you talking about?"_

_Homura coldly stated, "I know who the real enemy is."_

_The scene was now Homura slaughtering an army of Kyubeys with her guns. And standing shoulder to shoulder with her were Madoka and Mami, firing their weapons at the white things. Sayaka and Kyoko could be seen slicing up Kyubeys with their respective weapons, which then culminated with Homura bashing a Kyubey with a 9-iron golf club. "AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON TOO!"_

Homura woke up. That liquor really did a number, for not only had she fallen asleep, her head was pounding. Her body felt sluggish as she got out of bed. The light from outside was piercing her eyes like bullets. She knew what this was, "A hangover."

She remembered seeing television shows, usually third-rate sitcoms, wherein someone was hungover, and the character did all sorts of zany things to try to overcome it, but Homura remembered that the only true cure to hangovers is the passage of time. So naturally, Homura sped up time again.

It was now the next day. Homura felt better, but now she was hungry and thirsty. That's what the snacks were for, but another thought crossed her mind, "Kyoko comes into Mitakihara around this time." Homura checked her soul gem, and noticed that it was about half full (half empty?) of corruption. After feasting on snacks, (snacks that she was told were bad for her, like potato chips, sugar-filled cookies, and soda) she made her way to Kyoko's favorite hideout.

Homura didn't have to look for long in the video arcade to sense a familiar presence. She found a Dance Dance Revolution game being played by Kyoko. The red-haired girl was dancing to a song while chewing down some pocky. "So ya finally came!" Kyoko said while dancing. "I had noticed your power for a while now."

Homura stated (and lied), "I have no intention of staying in this city. You can have it if you want."

Kyoko countered, "What? Yer just gonna give it up that easily?"

Homura responded, "This city is a death trap. You won't last long."

Kyoko laughed, "Ha! I've been cheating death for a while now, I think I can handle a dangerous territory like this." Her song ended.

Homura said, "Let's play together."

Kyoko raised an eyebrow, "Really? You don't look like the gaming type."

"Try me."

Kyoko inserted some yen and picked a particularly difficult song (Max 300, to be precise). When it began, Homura used her timestop to hit the right arrows at the right time. Suddenly, Kyoko sensed, "Hey wait! You're using magic! That's cheating!" She then realized that Homura had been in her "transformed" state the entire time. She had reached to grab Homura, but the black-haired girl had snuck away during a timestop. "God _damn it!_" She looked up, "Don't take it personally, Lord. My dad said swearing wasn't really a sin under most circumstances; blame him." As she walked away, she thought, "Well, at least I still have some grief seeds leftover." She then felt her pocket . . . which was empty. "That _bitch!_"

Kyoko heard a voice whisper, "Thanks. I only needed two just now. Here's the others back." And just as quickly as she looked, Homura was gone again.

The black-haired girl retreated back home and healed herself with one of the griefseeds. The other she kept should be used shortly before she jumps back in time, she thought. She then thought of something to do that she hadn't had the chance to until now.

She activated her mobile and went to 2chan. She found some people trash talking mahou shoujo anime franchises. This struck a nerve with her. She downloaded an image of an anime girl she liked and could relate to, and posted the following message:

[Anon] (image of Ruri Hoshino) You're all a bunch of idiots.

This elicited a bunch of "lol" comments (or technically, "wwwwwwww" comments, since this is Japan). She enjoyed "trolling" people she disagreed with.

Homura had grown accustomed to not having any worries. She stayed in her home for days, only leaving to get snacks. Being able to do these things helped her to think more clearly. At times, before going to bed, she would think to herself why she was doing this, _Madoka-chan, I would like to do these fun things with you. It's boring without you_.

On one particular day, she sensed a powerful presence, one she could never mistake. The people outside were fleeing away from Mitakihara. Homura stepped out, ignoring everyone as she jumped from rooftop to rooftop.

It was there, in the horizon. She knew it, though know one else did. She then felt three familiar presences in the city. Homura raced to them.

She found Madoka, Mami, and Kyoko, in transformed states, standing over the carnage caused by Walpurgis Night. Madoka and Mami looked confused, "A-Another magical girl?"

Kyoko raised her spear, "That's her! The one who stole my griefseeds! Give 'em back!" She charged Homura, but it was no use, for Homura had stopped time, prepped a concussion grenade, and landed it near the three girls. When time resumed, they were all knocked down.

Homura spoke, "Do not attack. I am not your enemy." She turned to Kyoko, "Kyoko Sakura, what happened to Sayaka Miki was not your fault. No one can be faulted for what happened to her. You don't have to blame yourself anymore."

Kyoko stammered, "Huh? Wha?"

Homura looked at Mami, "Mami Tomoe, you are a brave and strong person for living even after the death of your parents. And even after the death of those you love, you won't be alone, for there are many, many wonderful people in this world."

Mami murmured, "What are you?"

Homura then moved over Madoka. She picked her up and embraced her, "UWAH!"

Homura closed her eyes and whispered, "Madoka Kaname, it is good to hope. No matter how cynical people around you become, you must never abandon hope." She then gently kissed her forehead, "For it is hope that powers the engine of humanity."

She released Madoka and stepped back from the girls. Mami asked, "Just . . . who are you? Have you come to fight the witch?"

Homura began to cry, "Have I come to fight? I've been fighting for so long, I can't even," She sobbed loudly, "I can't even think straight anymore!"

Kyoko said, "Look kid, I don't know what your circumstances are, but there's a giant witch ahead of us, and unless you wanna help us kill it, then move outta our way!"

Homura regained her composure, "I will assist."

The four magi attempted to kill Walpurgis Night. However, much like in some of the previous loops, Mami, Madoka, and Kyoko were killed. Only Homura was left standing. Then again, she knew she was the only one with any experience in dealing with Walpurgis Night. She looked over the remains of the city, "So I couldn't save you again." She sighed, "But at least I got my rest. And I didn't have to deal the killing blow this time. But still, I can't stop. I know what I want more than anything else; to share good memories with you." She activated her powers and traveled back int time.

And once again, Homura got up in her hospital bed. She felt good, she felt confident, and she knew now that cigarettes were overrated. (Liquor on the other hand felt good, hangover notwithstanding.) She was ready to take on her ordeal once again.

[Author's Note: Hey look! I got to feature the "cool" Homura for once! And this story could actually fit into canon, now that I think about it!

After I had learned of Homura's past, the first thing that happened to me was how touched I was upon learning that. The second thing that happened to me was I was reminded of a classic episode of Stargate SG-1. Oh yeah, you know which episode I'm talking about, "Window of Opportunity", better known as the one where Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c are caught in a repeating timeloop, and only they know about it. At one point, they are so tired, they "take a break" and just screw around, since they know everything will just reset regardless of their actions. This leads to one of the best moments in the Stargate franchise. ("_IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BACKSWINGǃ?_")

So I thought, if Homura is in the same situation (provided she doesn't die), wouldn't she want a break, too? I mean, despite her claims to the contrary, she's still human. Come on, she had to have done that at _least_ once. Oh, and just so you know, I do honestly believe that Homura is in love with Madoka in the actual canon, however, I don't believe Madoka returned the feeling, but she became aware of it by episode 12. That's my take, at the very least.]


	5. Ask Kyubey!

Omake #5: Ask Kyubey!

A darkened theater sits before the audience. A spotlight lights up a bare stage. Kyubey becomes visible.

"I am Kyubey. Many of you have questions about the franchise you call 'Puella Magi.' I am here to answer some of the more frequently asked questions."

"Question One: Why do you not also contract boys? In the anime, you say that teenage human girls give off the most emotions, but that is actually a common stereotype. Despite what popular Earth media may tell you, teenage boys are just as emotionally unstable as teenage girls, if not more so. And even in the world without witches, wouldn't it make logical sense to recruit males alongside females to fight the demons? You're excluding roughly forty-eight percent of the human population by doing so!-A common fan."

"We have attempted to create male Puella Magi in the past. In ancient times, they did agree to the contract, not as frequently as females, but they did. However, in modern times, males continually refuse to become Puella Magi. The most commonly cited reason is boys find the concept of Magical Boys to be 'Gay', and 'Gay' is apparently an undesirable trait amongst human males. The last time I attempted to contract a male, after I mentioned that I could grant him nearly any wish he could want, he said, 'What is that? Some gay Disney shit?' I was perplexed at first, but I then realized that he was simply displaying irrational human emotion. In time, I and the other Incubators ignored the male population entirely, leaving them to their own fates. I did not want to mention this to Madoka Kaname, so I instead used the 'girls are more emotional than boys' ploy to make her believe it was in her destiny to become a Puella Magi."

"In a more meta sense, the reason we only contract girls is because Puella Magi was billed as a 'Deconstruction of Magical Girl Shows.' In 'classic' Magical Girl series like Sailor Moon, it is only females who are able to wield magical powers. With the exception of Shaoran Li from Cardcaptor Sakura, and Yuno Scrya, Erio Mondial, and Tohma Avenir from Lyrical Nanoha, we could not find any magical boys, so to speak. In order to deconstruct this concept, we were only allowed to focus on girls. Next question."

"Question Two: If Puella Magi and Witches existed in ancient times, wouldn't the witches have killed everything by the present?-Another Common Fan."

"Incubators are careful to not eradicate the population of a planet when harvesting counter-entropy. In ancient times, the number of Puella Magi we contracted was infinitesimally smaller than in the present. Since the Earth population explosion of the last two centuries, we have been able to contract many more Puella Magi. We would not sacrifice an entire planet's population unless if a witch gave off so much energy, it would offset entropy for an extended period of time, i.e. The realities wherein Madoka Kaname becomes Kriemheld Gretchen. Next question."

"Question Three: Your entire motivation for offsetting the heat death of the universe is a lie! Matter and energy cannot be lost nor destroyed! Your exposition on thermodynamics is a lie so you can just kill off little girls like a megalomaniac!-A common fan complaint."

"This is based off your species' understanding of science involving energy. Do note that your species is still in its infancy compared to mine. As such, many of your scientific facts are flawed, including your understanding of thermodynamics. Simply put, thermodynamics does not work how you think it works, but my people do know how it works. I could attempt to explain the details to you, but your minds would not be able to comprehend most of said details. Next question."

"Question Four: How come you display emotion in the manga version of Madoka? I thought you couldn't feel nor express emotion!"

"Whoever is responsible for that iteration is taking 'artistic liberties' with my portrayal. In truth, I could attempt to mimic human emotion, but that would be a fruitless endeavor. Also, I feel that I would be made the subject of mockery from humans if I tried to, say, smile. Lastly, I do not want my superiors thinking that I have succumbed to illness. Remember, the concept of emotion is a mental illness where I come from. Next question."

"Question Five: Speaking of emotions and manga, what of your colleague Jubey, from Kazumi Magica. Unlike you, he actually does display emotion, not just in his face, but also in his speech! (And likely also in his voice.) Not only that, he can purify soul gems without a griefseed/those cubes from the world without witches! Can you do that?"

"It is possible that Jubey is feigning emotion to keep the Puella Magi that he interacts with on his side. As for how he purifies his soul gems, and why I apparently don't, that is something I am not at liberty of telling any of you. Doing so would give away plot details that the general public is not allowed to know yet. Next question."

"Question Six: There are fanworks out there, likely crack, but there are fanworks out there that portray you as having emotions, but having to hide them to avoid persecution from your race, and you eventually falling in love with one of the girls. What do you have to say about that?"

"Any story that has me saying, 'I can't let Madochin die; she's the cutest, moe-est, kawaii-est girl I ever knew!' is a crack fic of the highest caliber. It does not surprise me that you humans would do that though; Earth logic is simply incompatible with Incubator logic. You desire love, I desire countering entropy. Let us go our separate ways. Next question."

"Question Seven, and the last question: Where are you from?"

"The Delta Andromedae solar system . . . I kid. I am not allowed to disclose the location of where Incubators originated. Suffice to say, is it far enough that you humans could never reach it with your available technology."

"Since there are no further questions, I will end this now. And remember, if any of you are interested, I can grant you your wish and make you a Puella Magi if you feel like fighting for a living. I am available at all hours of the day, all days of the week."

And with that, the light shining on Kyubey fades.


	6. The Final Days of Chivalry

Omake #6: The Final Days of Chivalry

She didn't lie. She really was gonna tell him. "Kamijou, there's something I need to tell you."

I could feel a white-hot knife cutting through my heart, even though there wasn't.

"Okay. If things work out, who knows? We could even get serious!"

You were supposed to say that to me, Kyousuke. _Me_.

"I have your phone number and address, so I'll keep in touch from now on!"

Hitomi never showed the devotion I did, never supported him like I did, and yet, just like that, she got him to say yes?

Did all I have to do this entire time was just ask him before anyone else? Or is he just going for the prettiest girl out of all of us? Was my becoming a Puella Magi all for naught? Just thinking about it was enough to churn the acids in my stomach.

I could still fight the demons, though. I could still protect the city, I could do that much as a Puella Magi. Once it was night, I snuck out of the house and transformed. I could only hope that fighting them would take my mind off of everything. Using my soul gem, I tried to find some demons to hunt. Sure enough, I detected some.

They were on top of some building still under construction. There were several of them. Having activated my soul gem, I approached them, with saber in hand. I called out, "I, Sayaka Miki, will not allow you to defile this land of integrity! BE GONE, FOUL DEMONS!"

They turned to me, and I charged. I ran my sword through one of them just as I took a blow to my back. I jumped away from them and used my magic to heal away the pain. More of them came at me. This time, I drew up a circle of swords on the ground, and threw them one by one. Some of them hit, some of them missed, but I slowed them down enough. Taking one free sword, I leaped up and lopped off the head of one demon. The others started striking at me with their claws. Summoning another sword, I blocked their hits as best I could, but I ended up getting cut from their claws. I found an opening and cut down one of the demons just in time to jump away. I could feel blood dripping down my forehead, just as soon as I heard a voice shout,

"HYAAAAAAH!"

It was Kyoko Sakura, jumping in and using her spear to push back the demons. "Man, yer a mess!" She called out, "Sit back and let me finish the rest!"

Before she showed me the church where she grew up, I couldn't stand to be around her. I was thankful for her showing up, but I needed to release my feelings, "No! This is _my_ kill!" I leaped forward and started stabbing one of the grounded demons over and over. Once it dissolved, I moved on to another. I didn't care about the blood splattering, or Kyoko, or whatever hits I took. I just kept slashing and slashing. Eventually, the demons were finished off.

Their grief cubes materialized. There was an odd number of them, so Kyoko said, "You found them first, you get the lion's share." I took mine and started healing my soul gem. Kyoko then took hers and did the same, "But just what the hell is your problem? Where's your sense of justice tonight?" she asked.

I gritted my teeth, "I lost the trust of good people. I became a Puella Magi for a reason."

"Ah, him again."

I continued, "Well, now, I can't have him. My best friend has. You remember Hitomi, right? She was also interested in him . . . and he's hers now."

Kyoko laughed, "And being the virtuous knight of honor that you are, you wouldn't ever think of trying to come between them, now would you? Heh! Heh heh heh! That's just like you!"

"_Don't talk like that!_" I suddenly snapped.

Right then, I saw a blonde girl approaching, "Sayaka! Are you alrightǃ?"

I looked at her, "Ah, Tomoe. Yeah, I'm fine now."

Another girl appeared, one with black hair, "You shouldn't charge headfirst into a combat situation like that."

"I know, Homura, it's just-"

"-Many Puella Magi have died that way." An oddly-inflected voice said.

"Wow, look at this! Even Kyubey is worried about you!" Kyoko remarked.

I remarked, "Sorry everyone. I guess I'm not really needed to fight, am I? I can't kill the demons like you, or Homura, or Tomoe. If it weren't for my healing, you'd probably ditch me by now, wouldn't you?"

Tomoe answered,"No, that's not true! We wouldn't abandon a friend in need!"

I said, "Yeah, I know you wouldn't." I then held out my Soul Gem, "But what am I still doing with this? It's obvious I'm a terrible fighter. What would happen if I got rid of this?"

"Don't say such things." Homura cut in. She sounded more emotional than usual.

I answered back, "Why not? What's the worst that could happen? I lose my powers? My wish becomes undone? I wonder if Hitomi would still want him if that really happened."

"Please don't!" Tomoe begged. "You can still help out! You can still help out in ways most other people can't!"

My body started shaking, "But everything that's gone wrong, it's been all your fault, Kyubey! Ever since you gave this damned thing! I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE!" I launched the egg over the edge. I could hear Homura gasp loudly, a first from her.

Then, darkness. My body stopped moving, no, it was more like, I ceased to be. Everything stopped working: my senses, my body, my organs. I had been reduced to nothingness. Is this what death feels like?

Suddenly, a sensation struck my cheek. It was a drop of something. My eyes opened. I saw Tomoe, cringing in tears over my body. In the distance, I could hear Kyoko's voice shouting, "You _bastard!_"

All the strength I had returned. I stood up and saw Homura holding my soul gem. Her eyes fixed on me, she said, "You must never do that again. The Soul Gem is your only bodily vessel as a Puella Magi."

What? Huh? Just what happened? Kyoko marched up to Homura, "And you, you knew this, didn't you? Why didn't you tell usǃ?" Homura was silent, before Kyoko held her by the collar, "ANSWER ME!"

"Don't, Kyoko!" Tomoe blurted out as she pulled Sakura away.

"We deserve an answer!"

I still wasn't exactly sure what she was yelling about. Homura, her face never changing, finally replied, "Because you would never believe me." She stroked her hair, "I have tried in other timelines. Every time, you and the other Puella Magi would not believe me, and assume that I was lying."

"But she isn't." Kyubey inserted. He stood on the ledge, "This is the true nature of Puella Magi. Your bodies are reformed as Soul Gems in the shape of chicken eggs. Your 'bodies' are merely avatars. Even if those are destroyed, they can be replaced; only the Soul Gem is irreplaceable. This is why you can't dispose of your Soul Gem away like that, Sayaka Miki. If your Soul Gem is more than one hundred meters away from your avatar, it will cease to function until your Soul Gem returns."

Tomoe was still crying, "Why? Why?" was all I could hear from her.

Kyoko was still furious, "Hey Kyubey, remember when I cut you after what happened to my family? But you just came back? I wish you hadn't. I could kill you again, but I know that'd be pointless, right Homura?"

Homura stated, "This is all quite the shock. We should return home for tonight. We'll reconvene when more demons strike." She jumped off and left.

"WAIT!" I shouted. If Homura really had been reliving the same month as she claimed, then why didn't she tell us anything? She said that we wouldn't believe her, but I don't buy that. After everything that's happened, I can certainly believe that.

There was no use idling around, so I came back home. Kyubey showed up, and gave me some lecture about why Puella Magi are like how we are. According to him, we're better off being magic-sucking vampires rather than humans, but he was right about one thing; ever since my contract, I've been able to take in much more pain than ever before.

But all of this horseshit made me restless. I couldn't sleep. And I couldn't stay in my room forever. Early in the morning before my mom could wake me up, I snuck out. I was still in my school uniform, but that's just because I didn't have enough time or energy to change. I just wandered throughout the city, thinking about Kyousuke, and the girls, and Kyubey, and the demons. In such a short time, everything lost all meaning. I had become powerful, and granted Kyousuke the chance to follow his dream, all literally at the expense of my soul. I'm such an idiot.

Walking around in my school uniform during the day would've looked suspicious, so I went to places people wouldn't find me, places like alleyways, abandoned buildings. Sometimes I would rest and think about things, other times, I would wander some more, trying to make sense of everything.

Time went by faster than I thought, and it was already nightfall. Since it was dark, I wandered on the streets some more, that was until I felt the presence of some demons. Huh, maybe that's why I was wandering around so much; I wasn't lost in thought, I was just patrolling the city, like a true guardian.

The signal was coming from an alleyway out where no one lived and no one did business. In the back of this alley were four demons in wait. This many would be dangerous to take on by myself, but even if I were to die right now, I think I'd be okay with that. I transformed and made a circle of swords surround me. I didn't bother with a speech, because I knew the demons didn't care one way or the other. I grabbed the sabers and flung them at my enemies. I took up a sword in each hand and charged them. They would hit me, but I recalled Kyubey's words about how this is no longer my "real" body. He was right! In fact, every time I took damage, no matter how much I bled, it felt good! No longer was my mind occupied with everything wrong with my life, all that mattered now was the enemy.

One by one, I killed them off. In time, I was the winner, but I was exhausted. I instinctively healed away my wounds, but that exhausted me further.

I heard footsteps. I sensed a familiar presence. Sure enough, it was Homura, "Your Soul Gem is at its limits." She coldly worded.

I turned my back at her, "Leave me alone. Let me do what I want."

She threw some cubes at my direction. "Use them. You may die within the hour if you don't."

I kicked away the cubes, "Why should I trust you? If you knew everything that was going to happen, then why didn't you stop me? Why didn't you prevent me from becoming a zombie? _Whyǃ?_" She was silent. "Of course not. You're just as selfish as the rest of them, aren't you? What _was_ your wish? Ace the exams? Get a new car? Probably something stupid, wasn't it?"

She then spoke, "Don't be ridiculous. I just want to help you."

"_Oh reallyǃ?_ If that's so, then why am I still a zombieǃ? Why is Kyousuke with her instead of meǃ?" I had to recompose myself for a moment, "You say you want to help me, but that's obviously a lie. You already fooled us once. Don't think you can get away with that again, you heartless _bitch!_"

I had transformed. So had her. I charged at her, but before either of us could strike, I felt bound. My arms and legs wouldn't move. Oh right, the yellow ribbons. "Stop!" Tomoe shouted, "Don't fight! We're on the same side!"

Homura said, "Sayaka's not stable right now. She tried to attack me."

I called out, "That's because I told you to leave me alone, but you wouldn't listen!"

"Stop, _stop!_" Tomoe's voice went up an octave on that last note. "I'm going to release the bindings, but you must lower your weapons, or _I_ will discipline both of you. Understand?"

"Yes." I nodded.

"Okay then." Tomoe made her ribbons disappear. She faced me, "Why are you turning away from us, Sayaka? Don't you realize you could die if you don't purify your Soul Gem?"

I took a few seconds to think of what to say, "Would that really happen?"

"Ye-"

"-I wasn't asking _you_. Tomoe, do you know for a fact that a Puella Magi would really die from that? Or did Kyubey and Homura tell you that?"

Her face tensed, "I . . . I'm not sure. Maybe, maybe not."

I then told, "Then let me ask you, and only you, one more question: do you still trust them?"

Tomoe paused. She looked at Homura, then at me, "Homura, yes. Kyubey, I'm not sure, but I don't think he means us harm."

I then declared, "Then if you're loyal to them, then I can't trust you either. Do me a favor and leave me alone from now on too."

I turned around, then, "Sayaka! We're friends!" Her eyes started to form tears, "I don't want you to do anything else reckless! I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you died!"

I sighed, "Mami Tomoe, if you still think of me as a friend, then you will honor this request of mine. Do not have anything to do with me again for as long as I'm still around." I fell onto my knees, "I'm such a weakling, I still can't move right after that last fight. You don't need me. You two and Kyoko are better off without me. Let me just do what I want without any interference, that's all I'm asking for." I stood up and wobbled away.

I could hear Tomoe crying again as I walked off. She was always such a sensitive girl. I like that. I wish there could be more people like her in the world.

I needed to get away from everything. I needed to move around, but rest too. I decided to rest on a subway train. I could sense some demons in the distance, but I gave them no mind. My cell phone rang. I looked at the caller ID, then put my phone away. It then made the sound to indicate a new voicemail, but I was not in the mood to listen to voicemail from _her_.

As I rested on the train, I could hear two grown men talking loudly in slurred voices, "She already blew all the cash I gave her! Stupid bitches don't know how to handle money, I tell ya."

"Women may as well not even be human."

Anger. I could feel anger boiling within me.

"They're like dogs or sumthin'. They get emotional like fuckin' puppies but all ya gotta do to shut them up is to hit em' real good."

Assholes. What complete degenerate assholes.

"You slacken up even just a little bit, and they'll take up the whole goddamned couch. Can't let 'em get too comfy."

I couldn't take this. I stood up.

"What, you think a slut like you is gunna be doin' that ten years from now? Gimme a fuckin' break, am I right?"

"Damn, dude! You know when to dump 'em 'fore they get too annoying! I gotta learn yer secre- eh?"

I was standing before them. My voice was cold, "Tell me more about her." I ordered.

"Huh?"

I could smell the beer in their breath, "About the woman you're talking about. Tell me more about her." I repeated.

One of them laughed, "Yer just a middle schooler! A little girl like you shouldn't be out this late!"

Kyousuke and Hitomi . . . they wouldn't do this to one another. I had to see it from her perspective. I said, "She cares about you, and she works really hard to make you happy. Don't you realize that?" And then all of a sudden, the anger just poured out of me, "AND YET, YOU TREAT HER LIKE SHIT, WITHOUT EVEN A WORD OF THANKS!"

"Whoa! What the hell's yer problemǃ?"

I could feel my fingertips holding a sword handle. My body was cringing, "Is _this_ what I've been fighting for? Fighting for a world where scum like you just take advantage of someone else's love? IS ITǃ?" I could tell I was in my Puella Magi form right now, but I didn't care, "Tell me right now. Is this what I'm fighting for?"

The men were scared, "Are you on drugs, ladyǃ? Here, take my wallet-"

"-You're the worst kind of demon!"

And just like that, my hands thrusted the blade through one, and then slashed the other, like my hands were moving automatically. The train kept going, and no one else was witness to what happened. I sat near the door, waiting for the next stop.

I would prefer to fell only demons with my hands, but if I must also execute humans in order to preserve peace in this world, then so be it. It's the least I can do, given everything that's happened. I thought this as the train stopped, and the doors opened. I lumbered out, still transformed, and with sword in hand. I sat down on some chairs, and changed back.

I'm now a murderer. I've broken human laws now, and yet . . . why do I not feel evil? I did the right thing, I executed some horrible men just now, but before I could think any further, I heard someone dashing, "There you are!"

That voice . . . sure enough, Kyoko had found me, short of breath, and with her Soul Gem in hand. "Huh? Why-" all of a sudden, she had thrown me down to the ground, "Ergh! What are you-"

She shoved some grief cubes onto my ring. When she ran out, she said, "How long are ya gonna keep doing this, huhǃ? Mami and Homura are worried sick about you! And what about your family, aren't they worried tooǃ?"

I see. She tackled me to save me, no need to fight. I stood up. "Sorry to bother you all."

Kyoko looked flustered, "Man, this isn't like you at all! Where's your bluster, your talk of justiceǃ? Even the way you obsessed over that guy, it was charming!"

My voice was starting to get obscured by some new tears, "None of that matters anymore. I'm an unfeminine dummy who can't get anything I want, and can't even fight the monsters like you and the others. What am I even doing with my life? What does it even matter? We kill the demons, so humans can do their own evil?" I then remembered the message I got, "I've even begun to hurt my best friend!"

I took out my cellphone. I maxed the volume of the speakerphone, then played Hitomi's voicemail, "Sayaka, it's me. Where are you? You haven't been to school all day, everyone's worried about you. Look, if this is about me and Kyousuke, you should be supportive. You never did ask him out yourself and . . . please, I don't want us to become enemies. I still like you, Sayaka. You're my best friend. Please, talk to me, talk to your mother, stop doing whatever you're doing, I . . . I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cry, but, my line's still open. Just . . . stop doing this." The message ended, while my crying lessened.

Kyoko calmed down a little. I could tell, because she was now eating potato chips, "You seeǃ? This is what I'm talking about! You've helped out a lot of people! I don't know where you're gettin' this idea about humans being evil, but we're good people, I think. Look, bottom line is, I just saved your life, because." She sighed a sigh of frustration, "Because you were right. Puella Magi _can_ be like the superheroes in manga. I had forgotten that because, well, you remember. But it looks like you're really suffering too, like I did. I can see you losin' sight of things, just like I did. Yeah, I know, we alone can't save the world, but we can at least do _something_, right?"

Wow, this is quite a turnaround for her. Is she just putting up an act to get on my good side? She then continued, "The others should be coming soon. I'm sure Homura will-"

-A blast interrupted our reunion. Kyoko let out a yelp as she flew back; she hadn't learned how to numb her pain yet. I too flew back, but it was nothing. Those demons I sensed earlier had come. We knew what had to happen. Using our Soul Gems, we transformed. Despite Kyoko's help, my soul gem was still near completely black, but I couldn't hold back. This time, there were more than ever, at least twenty or so demons. "Stay behind me!" Kyoko commanded. She clasped her hands together to make a wall of what looked like red diamonds to hold them off. I summoned some swords and threw them through the openings.

Of course, her wall wasn't enough to slow them down. They demolished it in short time. Kyoko had transformed her spear into a nunchuk-like staff, circling it around to strike the demons, while I was jumping from enemy to enemy, slashing them and jumping off before they could get a hit on me. Tomoe's voice resonated, _We're coming! Hang in there!_ Excellent. There's no way just the two of us could kill these things. Even if we fought them one on one, they would still win from sheer attrition; the fact that the demons were smart enough to gang up on us was troubling. I heard Tomoe commanding, _Stay low, we're going to fire!_ I jumped off a demon and got back on ground level, shoulder to shoulder with Kyoko.

A rifle shot, followed by another shot, followed by another. A volley of arrows made from light penetrated some of the demons. It wasn't enough to kill them, but it was definitely putting them on the defensive. Homura shouted, _Get back and shield us!_

We fell back to where they were, and Kyoko put up another wall. I threw sabers and Homura fired arrows as they broke down another wall. Once they did, Tomoe shouted, "TIRO FINALE!" She had formed a giant gun that fired an energy blast that incinerated some of the demons.

Yet it wasn't enough. There were still six of them. I can't heal myself because my Soul Gem's too corrupted now. It's like I somehow know when my strength's running out, I guess it's something Kyubey didn't the feel the need to explain. Then, I started thinking of life, a life where I didn't have to worry about grades, or impressing people, or trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, or figuring out how to get Kyousuke to like me while still being friends with Hitomi, or fighting monsters that leave me half-dead after every fight, or dealing with my recent murder. It was a comforting thought. I slowly walked toward the remaining demons, with sabers in hand. "Wait! Sayaka, your Soul Gem is nearly totally corrupted!" Tomoe yelled.

I mentally said, _Hey. One of you tell Kyousuke Kamijou that I will always love him, and that Hitomi Shizuki shouldn't feel bad about her decision_. I was just about to stab one of the monsters when I heard,

_That won't be neces_-

Homura was interrupted by a thrown saber of mine. This should keep them at a distance.

I then charged at the demons, moving faster than I ever had. With two swords in hand, I slashed at them, with no regards for blocking or evading their attacks. Anytime I got hit, I just shrugged it off. Three of them disappeared, but the last three were real stubborn. I got this thought in my head, that I should do something I've thought of, but haven't tried. There's a lot about the Puella Magi that no one tells us about. It was worth a shot. I lunged forward and dug my sword into one of them. I looked down at my belly button, where my Soul Gem is whenever I'm transformed. Instead of matching the color of my eyes and hair, it was nearly black. Then, just from thinking it, (I was right!) light poured out of it. I think I might've heard Kyoko say, _YOU IDI_- but it got cut off from what sounded like a blast.

Then, that feeling of nothingness again. Only this time, everything was white instead of black, but aside from that, it was just like that time I threw away my Soul Gem. I had no sense of space, or time, or anything for that matter. My consciousness was adrift. I couldn't remember how I got here, or who I was, or where I was going. Before I could figure any of that out, I perceived a change in the color. Part of the world started to look pink instead of white. I felt a soft sensation wrapping around my back, like an embrace. Then I heard a gentle voice whisper into my ear, "Welcome, Sayaka Miki."

[Author's Note: Those of you reading my Madoka fanfics may've noticed a pro-Sayaka bias throughout. She is my favorite character. As I said in my Youtube review, Sayaka was one of the most poignant characters I have ever seen in an anime series. I mentioned that her altruism was inspiring, and that her conflicts were relatable, but I stopped there, partially because I didn't want to spoil the show, but also because-

-well, it's time I came clean; I see a lot of myself in her. I too want to do good, be recognized for my actions, and have someone to love, but what really hits home is, if Kyubey could contract boys, and if he had found me when I was fourteen, my most vulnerable age, . . . well, I don't think I'd be here right now. And her angst is all too familiar: one of my ex-love interests not only rejected me at my most vulnerable age, but also outright insulted me too. Not only that, people have told me that I'm "stupid" and "naive" for wanting to help others. And I have also come to hate people if I feel they are horrible individuals. These are not the traits of perfect god-like archetypes of literature; these are traits of common human beings, and that is why Sayaka is such an amazing character for me.

I don't expect a lot of you to share my views on Sayaka. In fact, I would be shocked if most of you did. As much as it annoys me, the fact that Homura, a character I disliked throughout most of the canon series, only redeeming herself in the final three episodes, is the most-liked character makes perfect sense to me. You can criticize Sayaka if you want, but if you only hate her because you find her to be "emo", I advise you to reconsider your choice of words, for some people in the world have suffered similar anguish to what she went through.]


	7. What you thought this series would be

Omake #7: What Everyone _Thought_ Puella Magi Was Gonna Be Like.

"Say Madoka, isn't it nearly time for you to go to school?"

Madoka reacted, "Huh?" She looked at the clock, "UWAAAAAAAH!" She was grasping her hair, "You're right! I can't stay here any longer!" She shoved a piece of toast in her mouth, "Bye Papa! Bye Tatsuya!" She mumbled.

Sh dashed out of the house and in the direction of Mitakihara Middle School. She ran and ran, until she caught up with Homura and Sayaka, "Late again, Madoka-chan."

"Man, what are we gonna do with you?"

Madoka gasped for air, "I'm so terribly sorry for letting you down again!"

Sayaka laughed and waved her hand, "Oh, don't feel bad! You wouldn't be Madoka Kaname if you _were_ competent!"

Madoka replied in a tinny voice, "That's not funny, Miki-kun."

Sayaka became startled, "Guh! Don't call me that!" She then narrowed her eyes, "I'll have you know that, outside of Tomoe-san, _I_ am the bustiest out of all of us. Also, my voice is _totally_ cute and feminine!" She then mocked Madoka's voice, "Just because I don't like having long hair and wearing dresses doesn't mean I should ever be confused with a boy!"

The girls were laughing, then the warning bell rang. The three ran into class.

* * *

><p>The bell rang during one of Saotome's rants. "Ugh! Darn lunch bell!" She complained, "We'll discuss the fundamental differences between men's and women's brains tomorrow!"<p>

Madoka, Sayaka, and Homura proceeded to the cafeteria. There waiting ahead of them in a reserved section was a third-year student, "Hi Mami-san!"

"Good afternoon, kouhai!"

The four girls ate lunch and made small talk when Madoka asked, "What do you wanna do after school?"

Mami exclaimed, "Go shopping!"

Sayaka blurted, "Talk about cute boys!"

Madoka pouted, "Come on, girls! Can't you think of anything be_sides_ those two things?"

Sayaka responded, "But what else is there to enjoy in lifeǃ?"

There was a pause. Homura then filled in, "We could always post pictures of Justin Bieber on our walls."

Madoka was rubbing her temples, "But we already did that yesterday!" All of a sudden, her face of frustration disappeared, replaced with a face of concern, "Do you sense that?"

"A demon." Homura stated matter-of-factly.

Mami suggested, "I think we've now agreed upon what to do after school, right?"

The others nodded.

After school ended, (demons would conveniently never do anything until the heroines showed up) the girls gathered in an alleyway in town. Kyoko joined them, "You heard the call too, huh?"

Madoka nodded, "Mm-hmm! Now then."

The five girls held out their hands. Rings on their fingers changed into faberge eggs. The five shouted in unison, "PUELLA MAGI EXILIO!"

The world had changed into a technicolor backdrop. Each girls' clothes had disappeared, (and their unmentionables were conveniently obscured by magical glitter) and piece by piece, their Puella Magi uniforms formed into place.

Once the transformation ended, the five were back in the real world, ready for action. Madoka commanded, "This way, girls!" She led them to the rooftop of a building where a demon was waiting. She called out, "Stop in the name of justice!"

"And love!"

"And peace!"

"And daintiness!"

"And tasty snacks!"

The demon faced the girls, "What's this? Humans who would oppose my power? Just what are you?"

Madoka struck a pose and responded, "We are Puella Magi!"

The demon asked, "Puella Magi? What the heck are those?"

Sayaka said, "There's no other way of phrasing it, other than Puella Magi are," and the girls said in unison in an incredibly overblown voice:

"MAGICAL! GIRLS! THAT! KICK! BUTT!"

The demon stopped. Then it laughed. And laughed. And laughed some more, "Oh God, I'm sorry! I didn't know it was the early 90s again!" He wiped away a tear, "I was kinda hoping you were real magical warriors, but I see now that you're just some cosplaying fangirls lacking in mental acuity instead! Ya know what? I'm just gonna go somewhere where people actually take this, 'Good Versus Evil' schtick seriously, and leave you all to your delusional fantasies. Buh bye!"

As he left, Kyoko called out, "Wait, what are you saying? We _are_ real magical warriors! We'll prove it!"

"TOO LATE!" The demon responded from a faraway distance.

Madoka fell onto her knees. She started crying, "That demon doubted us (hic), no one will take us seriously anymore!" She covered her face as she sobbed.

Homura knelled down, face smiling, and gently rubbed Madoka's back, "There there, Madoka-chan. We'll always believe in you; don't listen to what some mean old demon has to say."

Mami patted Madoka's head, "Yeah, you can't lose your self-esteem over something a person who barely even knows you says about you."

Sayaka looked on in disgust, "Wow, you two sure like taking a hand's on approach, don't you?"

Mami smiled, "And this, coming from someone who embraces Kyoko-san when you're feeling down? Shame on you~!"

"Hey, shut up!" Sayaka and Kyoko shouted in unison.

Kyoko furiously blushed, "I don't like any of you like that, anyway!" She looked away, still blushing, then whispered to Sayaka, "Well, you're kinda cool."

"Thanks."

Madoka stood up, "I'm sorry for that display, girls. I don't know why I'm such a crybaby, I just-"

"-Lend to us your ears!" A voice interrupted.

"Or shed us some tears!" A second voice interjected. The five looked on as they saw two other Puella Magi, one with long silver hair, and the other with short black hair.

Madoka declared, "Oh _no!_"

These two new girls continued to speak in verse:

"To extinguish the blight of this harsh land."

"To cause the evildoers to disband."

"To reinstate people's civility."

"To silence demons with hostility."

"Oriko."

"Kirika."

"Together we are blades of righteousness!

We will never slide into idleness."

Mami noted, "How many times have you recited this insipid poem now? Eighty-two?"

"Silence!" Kirika shouted.

Oriko said, "We detected a demon here a few minutes ago, not to mention you miserable excuses for superheroines. We then saw the demon leave, not only alive, but with no sign of injury! What kind of agents of heroism are youǃ? Did you just _tell him_ to leave?"

Madoka blushed, "Uh, eh heh, kind of! We just said our introduction, and he lost interest, so he left! I probably could've fired off an arrow, but I didn't wanna provoke him!"

Kirika charged at the pinkhead, with claws bared. Sayaka and Kyoko parried her in a deadlock. "Imbecile! He'll now go terrorize another group of people thanks to your, oh, what is it we like to say? Oh yeah, because of your idleness! You really deserve retribution this time!"

Kyoko gritted, "Dumbass! Heroism isn't just about killing bad guys! It's also saving people's lives, and brightening people's days, and whatever else you can do to improve the world! Killing demons only accomplishes so much!"

Just then, a youthful (even by this show's standards) voice cried out, "WAAAAAAGH!" It was a little Puella Magi with green hair wearing a green-and-white dress, charging at Kirika. She was wielding a staff that she was holding over her head. When she reached the claw girl, she tensed her faced and started swatting at Kirika.

Kirika was unhurt by the girl's light jabs and mocked, "Oh look Kyoko, your _other_ imouto showed up!"

"It's okay! Yuma will take them down for you!" She said this as she continued to lightly pound Kirika with her staff.

Oriko then held out her hand and chanted, "Destructo Beam!" A blue laser shot out and sent Yuma flying away.

"YEEEEEEOOOOOOOOW! Yuma has owies!"

Kyoko threw up her arms in frustration, "Jesus, Joseph, and Mary! Could you be any more of a useless nuisanceǃ?"

Sayaka deadpanned, "She's surpassed Togepi on the annoying meter."

Yuma was crying with her face on the pavement. Madoka made a scowl, "You're attacking children nowǃ? That is just unacceptable! Girls, prepare your best attacks!"

Kirika stepped back to Oriko, "What? You're gonna try to take _us_ down? I won't let you!"

Sayaka exclaimed, "Five against two, bitch! You won't stand a chance!"

Yuma, muffled in her crying, corrected, "Yuma makes six!"

Mami formed a gigantic rifle, "TIRO FINALE!"

Madoka aimed a pink arrow toward the sky, "Sagitta Luminis!"

Homura held out two semi-automatic pistols that appeared to be "charging up" magic near their barrels, "Jackpot!"

Sayaka held her sword above her head, "Eternal Omega Omnislash!"

Kyoko pointed her spear, which extended to its target, "Gae Bolg!"

In one second, Oriko and Kirika were hit by a laser blast, a rain of arrows, red magical bullets, an extensible spear, and a fast-moving Sayaka slashing them repeatedly. They both fell, with no visible signs of damage. "Curses!" Oriko cursed, "How can such immature Puella Magi wield such powerǃ?"

Kirika said, "I've never _seen_ such coordination among Puella Magi!"

Madoka stood triumphant, "This was our takedown procedure, for disarming enemies without killing them! Since you aren't demons, we went easy on you! Oh yes, Homura-chan, I remember we discussed what to do with these two in case we encountered them again. Now," she gestured her gloved hand in the direction of her rivals, "as you promised."

Homura stepped forward, "I have taken notice of your fondness of poetry, or as you hipsters like to put it, 'the spoken word.' I was getting tired of you always shoving your poetry in our faces, bragging about your rhyming, as if somehow that made you morally and intellectually superior to us. Since I tired of that, I composed a haiku since we last met. It is as follows:

You are annoying.

Get off our backs already.

Stop being hardcore."

Kirika spat (not blood), "That's your haiku? _Wow_, that sucked! Where's the-"

-A metallic clank sounded off near her. Sayaka had thrown a saber near the downed Kirika, "That's enough out of you! Don't make me break my foot off with your ass!"

Kyoko smiled, "Whoa, careful there, Sayaka-chan! You're beginning to sound like me!"

"No I'm not! Besides, Gae Bolg? Seriously?"

"Shut up! I like the Irish language!"

Oriko and Kirika "transformed" back into their normal clothes. (Strangely, that happened instantaneously; there was no transformation scene.) Oriko picked up Kirika, "You will be the doom of us all, Madoka!"

As Oriko carried Kirika away, Kirika shouted, "Have fun acting like a bunch of kindergartners with superpowers!"

Since no demons were being felt, Madoka and her friends "transformed" back. Then a white rabbity thing appeared, "Distinguishing work, ladies!"

"Kyubey!" Madoka exclaimed. She cuddled Kyubey.

"Hello, love! I've been observing everything that's happened, and I can tell you that your encounter with that lone demon was not in vain!"

"Why's that?" Mami asked.

Kyubey answered, "A band of gluttonous Puella Magi found him and executed him, said something about, 'those who don't finish their meals deserve death!' or somesuch."

"Wait," Kyoko voiced, "There are other Puella Magi obsessed with food besides me?"

"Indubitably!"

Kyoko pulled out her cell phone, "What's their names? I gotta send them a friend request!"

Kyubey responded, "Collectively, they call themselves The Pleiades Saints. My good friend Jubey is their manager, just as I am the manager of the sextet that is you lovely birds!"

Mami giggled, "Oh Kyubey, your regional accent and dialect are so charming!"

Kyubey spoke, "Oh yes, you like my speech patterns, don't you? I did model my Earth speech off of one of this planet's so-called 'actors', so your reaction is to be expected. Jubey also modeled his speech after an actor, but he picked someone different."

Madoka stretched, "Well all of this excitement has gotten me tired. I'm going home now. We can hang while we walk."

The girls followed Madoka. On the way home, Sayaka's mouth suddenly opened. In the distance, she saw him. He was walking home from school presumably. The other girls noticed. Madoka smiled, "Go to him."

"Yeah, okay." Sayaka was dumbstruck as she approached the boy, "Uh, hi Kamijou-san."

"Oh, Miki-chan! What a coincidence!"

As she did this, Kyoko observed, "Ah dang, she's not even making eye contact with him! I can see her blushing from here!"

Mami stated, "That's not unusual. The mere sight of Kamijou-san is enough to fill her head with ecstasy. Glancing at him for longing than a second would likely cause her to faint from the high she experiences." Kyoko casted a suspicious glance at Mami, "Well, that's what she told me."

Later on, Madoka returned home, "I'm back!" The day went on as she did homework, ate dinner, and then changed into her pajamas. Before she went to bed for the night, she withdrew a journal. It bore a lock on the cover, the kind that could only be opened with magic. With her Soul Gem, she opened it, reached for a pen (pink), and began to write:

Dear Diary,

Today was another exciting day! Well, at first, it wasn't. I was nearly late for school again ^^; but when school was almost over, I sensed a demon! Me and the girls found him, but he made fun of us! That made me cry! T^T Luckily though, he left! Then Oriko and Kirika showed up! They make me so angry! :C Yuma-chan appeared, but she got hurt by them! We then retaliated! Unlike last time, we attacked at once, a coordinated front! It worked! Then they left; good! I hope they learn their lesson! :C But then I got home, and I got to eat my favorite, cream stew! It was soooooo yummy! ^_^ I just wish all Puella Magi can get along. If there's anything I've learned since I made my wish, it's that not all Puella Magi are nice. Well, if we ever eradicate the demons, my next goal will be to befriend all Puella Magi! Count on it!

And with that, she retired for the night.

* * *

><p>In a nice house, some young girls were eating dinner. One of them, sporting black hair with ahoge, said in-between her eating, "Ohmigosh this is soooooooo goooooood!~"<p>

Another, one sporting blonde hair, said, "Wow, you're still the best cook ever, Kazumi-chan! I'm so jealous! I wish I could cook like you!"

The third, a blue-haired girl with glasses, commented, "Amen. Your meals are more delicious than humanly possible." She then lowered her voice in a suggestive manner, "Is this what you wished for?"

Kazumi responded, "Who knows? Maybe I did! If only I could remember!"

A black-and-white cat thing said, "Ah careful girl! You almost let your secret out!"

"But it's not like you can remember either, Jubey!"

All of a sudden, the three of them stopped eating. The girl with glasses exclaimed, "I'm sensing demons! A bunch of demons! And it feels like they're surrounding us!"

Jubey shouted, "AH _HELL_ NAW!"

[Author's Note: In this scenario, picture Kyubey sounding like John Cleese, and Jubey sounding like Will Smith.

However, I'm burned out on ideas at the moment. Mind you, I'm not going to retire this series, but I need to concentrate on other things, not the least of which being my original ebooks. I'm still writing my other Madoka fanfic, but this one will be put on hold for an indefinite amount of time.]


	8. Anatomy of a recap episode

Omake #8: Anatomy of a recap episode.

A number of sharply dressed people were holding a meeting within the headquarters of Studio Shift. On one end sat the creative team of Tatsuhiro Iwanabi, producer of Shift, Eme Aoji, author of the original Puella Magi Madoka Magica manga (and who really does resemble a Metapod in real life), Ken Uroduki, noted scriptwriter for tv adaptations, and Shift's goldenboy, Akiyami Shendo, favored director of design students.

On the other side sat the network executives and financiers of the Puella Magi Madoka Magica anime, all recognizable by their scary shiny glasses. One of the execs opened with, "We were pleased with the first season of Madoka, hence why we ordered another." The lights darkened, and a projector displayed a chart, "This is the schedule we have for the second season of Madoka."

Iwanabi looked and noted, "But there's only enough material for 23 episodes. What do you want us to do about the 24th?"

"Make a recap episode."

"A recap episodeǃ?"

"You fools!" Ken erupted, "You will jeopardize this entire operation if you make us go through with that!"

"Like how you jeopardized the Fate/Zero anime adaptation? Everyone knows why that flopped."

"Geh! I only undertook that project because Hasu-san and I roll dice together! But I just couldn't bring myself to kill off-"

"-Relax," Akiyami soothed, "I always get the job done. We'll do a recap, but we'll surpass people's expectations."

One of the execs, hands folded over mouth, remarked, "We would expect nothing less from you, but how do you intend to 'surpass people's expectations'?"

Akiyami was deep in thought, "Let's have the most popular character outside of the main heroine narrate it. Hit up the fansites, which character besides Madoka do the fans like most?"

"Uh, Shendo-sama, the most popular character isn't even Madoka, it's-"

"-I see. Even better! Well then, let's get to storyboarding!"

* * *

><p>A girl was seen preparing for school. Throughout this scene, her voice narrates, "My name is Kyoko, of the Sakura family. At first glance, you would think I was just another girl going to school, albeit one from a family of practicing Christians in present-day Japan. Well, truth be told, I hold a much greater secret."<p>

The scene cuts to an earlier episode, "If you fulfill this contract, you will be required to exterminate the demons."

"Why?"

"Because if you sign the contract, yet neglect your duty . . . _you will die_."

Back to the new footage, Kyoko continued, "It all started when that thing called Kyubey appeared in my room. At first, I suspected he was a messenger of God. It would make sense, since not all angels are, well, how people typically picture angels. I figure he was sent to be my guardian, provided I fulfill a 'contract.' However, this reminded me all too much of a certain fallen angel. My father, the local preacher, told me what to do in case such a situation came up."

Going back to the older footage, Kyoko slurs, "Get lost, bum."

"Suit yourself."

In the newer, more mundane footage, Kyoko continues, "We can't go on without mentioning my father. He truly believes in the mission of the Gospel. He wants to save everyone, yet can't. Whenever he reads of misfortune in the newspaper, he sheds tears, believing that something could've been done. He's selfless, and yet has a more, modern interpretation of the Bible. It's this that lead to a more recent crying jag of his."

Going back to the earlier footage, Kyoko arrives home, to find her dad crying, with her mom comforting him, "It couldn't have been all that bad; you finally got to meet fellow Christians!"

"But they had disregarded Christ's words! They claimed that yuri manga were an abomination, and that welfare for the needy was a bad thing! How can they say they follow a religion of peace when they hold nothing but malice in their heartsǃ?"

The scene shifted back to the new footage, which was now up to Kyoko leaving the church and walking to school, "Of course, it was just another one of dad's crying jags, or so I thought. A few days later, he and mom gave me and my sister a chat."

The scene shifts back to archived footage of Kyoko and Momoko facing their parents, "Kyoko, Momoko, I discussed this with your mother, and I am making it official; I am starting a new denomination."

Back to the new footage, Kyoko mused, "This was big news, yeah, but the only thing that changed was the sign in front of the church now read, 'First Church of the Cherry Blossom.' Yeah, that's the name of our version of Christianity, The Church of the Cherry Blossom, after our family name. Nothing really changed though; the morning congregation still only consisted of an old couple, a homeless guy, and a stray cat. It dismayed us, because I knew how serious dad was about his mission."

Switching to old footage, "Some time later, I got this idea of how to help him. I was alone in my room, and I called out, 'Hey, devil . . . angel, whatever. You there?'"

He showed up, "Right here, Kyoko bird!"

"Let me ask you something, if I became this hero of justice or whatever, could you wish it so people actually followed my dad? It'd make him and my mom and sister really happy . . . and me too."

He said, "Why yes, that is within the realm of my power! But if you agree to this contract, you cannot undue it."

"I recalled his last conversation, 'Yeah, but if I keep killing demons at a steady rate, I could live forever! Like a vampire! Oh, one last question, if I do this . . . my body will still grow out eventually, right?'"

He smiled, "Yes, Kyoko! Your body will mature to a point, but then stop aging before anything breaks down! Curious thing, these contracts! I could even fulfill it right now, if you wanted to."

Kyoko narrated, "Superpowers, immortal life, and can't die from starvation and disease, what fifteen year old _wouldn't_ want that? That, and a gift to the family too." She said, "Then do it!"

Kyubey's eyes glowed. A bright light emerged from Kyoko's chest. That light temporarily blinded them. In a moment, what looked like a red faberge egg sat in Kyoko's palm, "There you are! One Soul Gem for my newest Puella Magi!"

The show shifted to new footage of Kyoko going to the shoe locker, with her narrating, "And just like that, everything was better. The church was full every Sunday, the family felt like they had a purpose in life, and I did too. There was a problem, though. I was the only Puella Magi I knew. Kyubey claimed there were others like me, but I never saw them. That all changed one night."

The show goes back to old footage, this one of Kyoko fighting numerous demons. She is being beaten badly, "Damn it! I'm surrounded on all sides!"

Just then, the sound of gunfire cracked. The demons perked their heads up. In the distance stood a girl smiling. She had numerous percussion-lock muskets floating in the air. Kyoko's jaw dropped as she narrated, "She was incredible. I had never seen such grace before." The blonde girl jumped about, using her magic ribbon and guns to destroy the demons effortlessly, "There was no need to ask what she was."

The girl approached Kyoko, extending a hand, "Are you alright?"

She took the hand and stood up, "I am now!"

The new girl said, "It's dangerous to fight demons like that at such a close range. You shouldn't let them surround you like that. This isn't a game, you know!"

Kyoko put her hand behind her head, "I know, but, I'm still trying to get the hang of everything."

The girl stroked her hair, "Oh. How long have you've been doing this?"

"A couple of weeks."

The girl placed her hand a few inches away from her mouth, "Oh! No wonder! And you fight alone? Wait, I do too. Maybe, whenever we can, we should team up. I'm Mami Tomoe."

"Kyoko Sakura."

Kyoko narrates as more archived footage plays, "And that's how I met Mami-san. She was the same age as me, yet she had been a Puella Magi longer than me. I still remember this one time when we both finished off some demons, she invited me over to her house. I accepted. Of course, she was . . . very friendly."

Mami is walking home, holding Kyoko's hand. Kyoko, blushing, and not making eye contact, asked, "Uh, why are you holding my hand?"

Mami faced Kyoko and smiled, "It's what friends do, right?"

Kyoko stammered, "Yeah, but it's not like I'm your little sister or anything."

Mami, still smiling, said, "Really? You haven't pulled your hand away yet."

"Good point."

Kyoko narrated, "She led me to this lavish apartment building, and her place. Her mother, Mrs. Tomoe, was in the kitchen."

Mami asked, "Do you like yellow cake?"

Kyoko said in narration, "Because of dad's vow of poverty, we didn't usually eat extravagantly. Asking me if I liked yellow cake, my personal favorite of cakes, was music to my ears. That day cemented Mami-sama as my BFF. The two of us protected Mitakihara, I gave her someone to talk to about magic stuff, and she gave me food that I could now eat like crazy without getting fat. This continued for a few months, a few months before we met more Puella Magi."

In more old footage, Kyoko was jumping from rooftop to rooftop late at night. She said to Mami telepathically, "So these newbies needed bailing out?"

Mami responded, "Actually no. It was the other way around. They saved _me_."

"_Whatǃ?_"

"But it's true!" Mami concluded.

Kyoko was on top of a building when she spotted Mami with three other girls. One of them was a short girl in a pink-and-white dress, "Hi!" She called out.

Another was a girl about Mami's height sporting short turquoise hair and whose costume had a white cape, "Sup!"

The third was a black-haired girl who said nothing, only glaring at Kyoko. Mami told Kyoko, "These are some new Puella Magi. They go to the same school as me, although they're a year behind." She looked at them, "What were your names again?"

"My name is Madoka Kaname!"

"I'm Sayaka Miki!"

"Homura Akemi."

Kyoko narrated, "So there they were, a little kitten, a girl with a permanent poker face, and the only other Puella Magi who's anything like me, i.e. Cool. Well, that's what I thought about Sayaka at first, until-"

"-Oh my God! It's him!"

Kyoko narrated, "She was head-over-heels for some violin virtuoso. I got to meet Kyousuke Kamijou, but I don't see what she sees in her. I tried to talk her out of her infatuation, but she just won't listen. I even resorted to ripping off something I saw on tv once."

Getting to more archived footage, Sayaka, in her "transformed" state, was sitting in fetal position, crying. Kyoko, also transformed, looked over her, "No guy is worth dying for, Sayaka! No matter how awesome or smexy they may be!"

Sayaka, through her sobbing, murmured, "But, his eyes though! HIS EYEEEEEEEEES!"

Kyoko narrated, "It was pointless. Aside from that one thing though, Sayaka became my new BFF. I'm still not sold on Homura though. One time, when we were hanging out at the arcade, being 'normal' girls, I tried to break the ice."

There was more old footage, now of Kyoko sitting at a table in a video arcade eating pocky. Homura sat across from her, filling in a sudoku puzzle. Kyoko asked, "So, what was your wish for?"

Homura's voice was distant, "Why do you need to know?"

"Just curious. Everyone knows what I wished for, what about you?"

Homura continued filling in numbers, "That is not the sort of thing you should go asking anyone."

Kyoko took out her pocky, "Why not? Oh?~ Is it something naughty? Did you wish to get inside some guy's pants, eh heh heh!"

Homura stood up and glared at the redhead, "Do you do this to every Puella Magi you meet, or are you just harassing me specifically?" Kyoko was stunned. Homura continued, "If you have a problem with me, then tell me."

Kyoko was still stunned. Then she replied, "Hey you're right! I _am_ harassing you! I never asked Tomoe-san what her wish was too! How uncourteous of me!" She took out her cell phone and sent a text message. She got back a message that she read aloud, "'I'm sorry. It's personal.' Ah whatǃ?"

Homura said, "That's why you shouldn't ask for a girl's wish if you don't already know it."

Kyoko narrated, "She's gotta be hiding something. Something beneath that stoic veneer of hers. Whatever it is, it can't be good." The show shifted to a different archived scene, "Life went on, that was until I met a real little Puella Magi."

A little girl in a green-and-white dress was running away from demons, "WAAAAAGH!"

Kyoko then appeared and disposed of the demons. After gathering up the cubes, she went up to the girl, who was crying, "You all right?"

She said, "Yuma's scared!"

Kyoko dropped some cubes for her and asked, "Yuma? Is that your name?"

"Yuma Chitose."

"Ah, nice! I'm Kyoko Sakura! Say, how long have you been a Puella Magi?"

Yuma answered, "A few weeks."

Kyoko narrated, "This was all too familiar." The scene showed different archived footage. "I took her home, remembering something Tomoe-san did."

Kyoko was holding Yuma's hand as they walked down the city, "Why are you holding Yuma's hand?"

"It's what friends do, right?"

"Um, okay."

Kyoko narrated in voiceover, "I led her home, then told her, 'If you need me, just call out my name.' Life went on, however, something strange came up. Anytime Mami or Sayaka fought demons with the other girls, they always deferred to Madoka. I had to find out why."

The scene was the five girls in uniform. Kyoko faced Kyubey, "So QB, why is the pink squirt our leader?"

Kyubey answered, "Because she is the most powerful ranged fighter I have seen in centuries. I can barely recall the last time I saw a Puella Magi with this much potential."

"Is that so? So you let her be leader even though Tomoe-san or Akemi-san would be more qualified? Lame."

Sayaka exclaimed, "What are you doingǃ?"

Madoka now looked to be on the brink of tears, "You think . . . you think I'm a worthless leader in battle?" She fell onto her knees and cried. (Director's note: Did we reuse the cels when she cried on the episode when they knocked out Oriko and Kirika? This scene looks awfully familiar; we may have to redraw.)

Sayaka grabbed Kyoko by the shoulders, "You stupid bitch! You made my best friend cry!"

Kyoko was silent, her face distraught by Sayaka's words. She narrated, "I had no snappy comeback. She was right. I couldn't be disrespectful to a fellow girl-in-arms just because of how she came across to me. Of course, this meant I had to kiss everyone's ass. But then a little bit after this, we met them, two magis, one a pompous presumptuous bitch, the other an unhinged psychobitch. I'm too disgusted to even recall their names. I can remember, I think it was the third time we encountered them, the pink girl tried to reason with them."

In the archived scene, Madoka pleaded, "We have the same enemy! We should be fighting together!"

Oriko stated, "What? Fight with your lot? None of you care about this mission like we do. You still go to school, you still have ties to family, you try to live like humans, when you're not."

Kirika cried out, "You're just clinging on to your vestiges of humanity even though you accepted the contract! Humans can't fight demons, so stop pretending to be what you aren't and embrace your true nature already!"

Madoka faced her contractor, "Kyubey, make 'em stop!"

"I can't, love. I didn't recruit them."

Sayaka added, "What about your friend? The one that talks like The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?"

"Let me find out." Kyubey looked off in the distance, "I say, Jubey?"

"What up, dog?" Jubey's voice reverberated.

"Are Oriko and Kirika some of your clientele?"

"Hell naw! You think I would recruit girls like that?"

Kyubey looked down, "I see. Be on your guard, there may be a rogue within our ranks."

"Can do!"

Kyubey looked at everyone, "Jubey said he doesn't know them. However, I urge both parties to stand down. The last thing we need is a mess over philosophical differences."

Oriko spoke, "I agree with your contractor. There's no sense in me or Kirika wasting our soul energy on any of you."

Kyoko narrated, "They would criticize us over anything. It really ate at us, although there was that one time Madoka, for once, actually devised an effective strategy for dealing with them without killing them."

The scene was now an older (though more recent) episode showing Mami forming a gigantic rifle, "TIRO FINALE!"

Madoka aimed a pink arrow toward the sky, "Sagitta Luminis!"

Homura held out two semi-automatic pistols that appeared to be "charging up" magic near their barrels, "Jackpot!"

Sayaka held her sword above her head, "Eternal Omega Omnislash!"

Kyoko pointed her spear, which extended to its target, "Gae Bolg!"

In one second, Oriko and Kirika were hit by a laser blast, a rain of arrows, red magical bullets, an extensible spear, and a fast-moving Sayaka slashing them repeatedly. They both fell, with no visible signs of damage. Kyoko said in voiceover, "That was awesome and you know it!"

All the archived footage was finished. Kyoko, in the new footage, was walking home. She narrated, "And that's the story of my life up to this point. My family still has no clue as to what I've become, although I think my dad would be proud of me since I now slay demons. Right now, I just want to relax." She walked into the church and said, "I'm home!"

* * *

><p>One night before the premiere of the dreaded recap episode, Iwanabi, Aoji, and Shendo were having a coffee break in the recreation room. After sipping some coffee, Iwanabi asked, "I've been meaning to ask you, did you even read the tweets about Kyoko?"<p>

"No I did not. I'll do that now."

Shendo pulled out his smartphone and looked up a Twitter hashtag, "#YULiekKyouko: I like Kyoko becuz she is hawt, lol." "I luv how U focus on Kyoko's legs, butt, and barefeet like in ur other animus!" "I would gladly convert to Christiandom for her!" "I'm a girl (straight) and I am seduced by Kyoko. _I want her hair_."

Shendo noted, "Eh? They just like her visual design more than the others?"

Eme observed, "I know! It was the same way back when Madoka was still manga-only! I predicted fans would like Mami or Homura the most, but no! It's Kyoko they want, for one reason or another, despite her abrasiveness!"

Shendo said, "Wait, I found more tweets, these ones not so superficial."

"#YULiekKyouko: She's like Sayaka, but without the lovesickness. In short, a slighly older and badass-ier version of Sayaka!" "She's like the anti-Homura; always yelling, yet still able to verbally lash out like her!" "I think about all the things she can do with her spear . . . it makes me hot."

Shendo changed the subject, "Has anyone seen Uroduki-san?"

"I heard he was dealing with fanboys flaming him for Fate/Zero."

"They're _still_ upset about that? Can't they just read the original novels like more sensible people?"

"Apparently not. Then again, like you just saw, you can't reason with fans, not all of them."

They continued drinking coffee in silence.

[Author's Note: And now you know how to make a recap episode of a fanfic version of a popular Japanese cartoon, ladies and gentlemen! Now I am completely out of ideas for this fanfic series, though. Don't expect another update for a long time, if even that.]


	9. A Poem By Everyone's Favorite Alien

Omake #9: A Poem by everyone's favorite alien.

Dainty little girls to be found!  
>Horrifying screams to resound!<br>Blood and gibs spilled over the ground!  
>All sorts of dazzlements abound!<p>

I speak, of course, of my line of work.  
>Necessary for creation.<br>A job that I would never shirk.  
>Since it is for our salvation.<p>

Contracting girls is a necessity  
>To offset a great liability<br>Countering entropy is heroic  
>I can say that even as a stoic.<p>

Yet time and time again  
>I am looked down upon<br>They tell me that I con  
>And lead a foul campaign.<p>

How else can I extract emotions from you Earth creatures?  
>Politely asking proved futile, as did farming for them.<br>Are you really that short-sighted in your understanding  
>That the universe could die in absence of my efforts?<p>

It's not like unobtanium works any better than emotions  
>Incubators do their best as saviors, yet we're viewed as demons<br>So if you slander me or my ilk as we go about our motions,  
>We will find a girl to wish that you sink far into your world's oceans.<p>

[Author's note: Sorry to cut this series off so quickly. I've got other things to tend to, like original fiction. As for Kyubey, well, it seems the only thing consistent about his poetic form is that he changes it every four lines! XD]


End file.
